It’s inevitable that my parenting is, and will be, full of mistakes- even some repeated mistakes that I experienced from my parents. As a parent of 3 adolescents, I get plenty of opportunities to choose how I interact. There have been numerous encounters that I wish I could have done differently, but looking ahead, there is still hope of not messing up my relationship with my kids.
Good news – it doesn’t require being perfect. There are two simple concepts that come to mind when I think about how to raise healthy kids.
- Be quick to repair any hurts or insecurity you have caused.
- Look for the positive attributes in your child’s daily conduct.
Recently I had an argument with one of my kids because the assigned chore was not getting done. In short, my kid did not want to take ownership and responsibility for the incomplete task, citing that “it doesn’t matter.”
Well, I thought differently. I took offense to that and became angry with what I interpreted as disregard for responsibility and disrespect toward me. As my parental tone and volume increased, so did my kid’s. Believe it or not, the argument did not resolve, and my kid did not thank me for the lecture on how to be a contributing member of the household.
The moment of correction was lost, but not the moment for connection.
Although it wasn’t until moments later, the realization of the negative impact of my tone, expression, and words allowed me to circle back with repairing interactions. The best advice I can give is this: my kids need to hear me sincerely apologize when I have wronged them, by acknowledging my mistakes and reassuring my value for them. This is what I did. I returned with a calmer tone and reassuring words that I still valued the child, but also gave loving reasons for why I held my position.
My apologies demonstrate that I don’t have to “be right” in everything, and it gives my kids the security to also be corrected and be teachable in future moments. My kids need to see that I am willing to see my own faults and take responsibility for how I have wronged them, whether I cut them off, didn’t listen to them trying to share, or used an approach fueled by wanting to be “in control” of the situation.
The other parenting dynamic that I think is important-and have to remind myself of often-is that of affirmation. I need to be proactively seeing what my kids are doing well on a daily basis – big and small – and communicate those positive dynamics with them. A little encouraging word goes a long way in drawing a secure relationship with your kids. Noticing the initiative they take to do chores or homework, or how hard they worked in their school activity, is a way to reinforce love and security with your kids. They will be able to hear you better in the future because you are tending to and repairing the present moments.
It’s not easy, but choosing to be attuned to your kid through repairing work will always be more important than being a perfect parent.
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