5 Elements of a Healthy Apology

Originally Published November 19, 2020

Today’s post is about how to make a good apology and when we know a good apology has been given. There are five simple aspects to a sufficient apology. These are my personal and professional take based on my own client interactions, education, and reading. One author that I have learned a lot from is Gary Chapman, the author of many helpful books including The Five Language of Apology. So here are the five elements of apology that I have compiled. These should take place in the interaction between the hurt, or offended person and the offender.

1. When there is an apology, there needs to be an awareness of the hurt. This can either be brought up by the offended person (when you did this, it hurt me) or an awareness by the offender (I was a little too harsh with my words the other day).
2. The offender needs to take responsibility for the actions, whether that is a spoken or behavioral response. Ex: “Yes, I can see now that I did that and it was hurtful to you.” Apology cannot happen if someone does not take responsibility. It is important to note, though, that taking responsibility does not necessarily mean admitting an intention of evil or wrong motives. You are simply taking ownership for how you interacted. 
3. The offender must be able to speak with empathy. There has to be spoken empathy in the apology. Simply saying “I’m sorry” without any presence of empathy accomplishes nothing and communicates the offender would like to move on and not be bothered by the offended person’s pain anymore. 
4. The offended person must be able to receive the apology. The offender does not get to decide if the apology is healthy; it is not sufficient to say “I said I’m sorry” and wash your hands of the situation. An apology that is acceptable is always determined by the hurt person. They will decide if the apology matches the level of hurt that they feel.
5. Sometimes a good apology includes a plan of action for future change. Ex: “I’m so sorry I said that. Next time, I will make sure not to carelessly throw out my comments just because I think they are funny. I am going to stop and ask myself if my comment is something that would be hurtful to you before I speak.” This gives confidence to the offended person that they are valuable enough to incite change.

These are elements that make a healthy apology. Learn these and use them to build healthy relational interactions.