Today we are going to be talking about communication in marriage. When I have couples in my office and I do a revisit or reflection with them of how the previous week has been, a lot of the time I will get feedback that sounds something like this: “We’re actually doing pretty good this week.” While this is great, I am always curious about what this actually means. Most of the time it means something more like this: “Well, we didn’t have any major blowups, fights or arguments this week! The boat didn’t get rocked and we didn’t run into any marital landmines. So yeah, it was a good week.” The problem with this mindset is that it is a reactive response indicating how the client felt about the week instead of a proactive or intentional response indicating effort to ensure healthy marital communication.
Let me put it this way: just because there is an absence of something bad, doesn’t necessarily mean that everything is good. In fact, what I challenge couples in these situations with is a question: “Are you fully engaging the problem here? Or is there a lack of awareness about the dynamics of your relationship?” We want to be fully aware and engaged in the dynamics of our relationships. Chances are, the lack of awareness of the dynamics of our relationships is exactly what is leading to the unhealthiness that is being experienced.
The number one thing that couples say to me when they come for counseling is that they want to learn how to communicate better; they want to feel like they can talk and be connected. One way I like to encourage couples in this goal is to talk about the “small things” in life. The more we talk about the small things in life, the less we end up fighting about the big things. Not all conversations in marriage have to be about big, important things. In fact, if we limit our communication in marriage to the “big things” we are ensuring that our communication is less frequent, resulting in a growing marital distance. A better alternative would be to have more frequent, small touch points that allow us to make connections with our spouse. This creates a sturdier foundation for communication when the “big things” do need to be addressed. Also, when our communication with our spouse is a lot less frequent, that leaves more room for us to feel hurt. It leaves room for making assumptions about your spouse and how they feel. So frequent communication with your spouse is vital, even if it’s mundane in content.
Something I recommend to couples trying to improve their communications is what I call “Daily Dialogue.” This is a simple exercise, nothing too earth shattering or vulnerable, but it does allow us to build up trust points with our spouse. Take five minutes at the end of your day to share with your spouse:
- Something you experienced
- How it made you feel
- Why do you think this experience made you feel this way
Do this, then allow your spouse to do the same. I hope that this simple exercise will encourage you and your spouse to grow in healthiness towards one another.
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