Originally Published March 2022
Weekly I sit with clients who have experienced past relational wounds, and I am stunned by how much a client wants to either take the blame for others’ wrongdoings, or wants to minimize the realities of an event.
Acknowledging past wounds can be hurtful and even overwhelming – especially if one feels ill equipped to face such events. This may be why many of us would rather avoid certain topics that are difficult to face in reality. Whether it is a past abusive relationship, or the scarring from favoritism that your parents poured out on your sibling – it could be easier to either blame yourself for “causing” the dynamics to manifest, or simply deny the gravity of the hurt and pretend it wasn’t “that big of a deal” in your life.
However, truth must be engaged with if there are to be healthy interactions and outcomes for oneself. Inflating perceptions or neglecting the facts cannot be viewed as safe and healthy alternatives. Think of it as the oath a witness takes on stand in the courtroom. The witness must “tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
This is difficult to do because it most likely goes against the narrative and defenses that were adopted for so long. It feels scary to actually entertain a full truth, when only bits and pieces of a narrative have been accepted over the years. If one avoids the truth of the circumstance (i.e. facts and feelings) then there is complacency – or denial – about the truth. By not engaging the reality in healthiness, one becomes complicit in perpetuating a false narrative.
This does not mean that one who has suffered from past interactions with others is responsible for the wrongdoings. Rather, it means that one cannot uphold the value of compassion and healing as long as one refuses to acknowledge and accept the truth (full truth, and nothing but the truth).
“Whoever says to the wicked, ‘You are in the right,’ will be cursed by peoples, abhorred by nations, but those who rebuke the wicked will have delight, and a good blessing will come upon them.” (Proverbs 24:24-25, ESV)
It’s heavy to realize that when I do not rightfully call the wicked things wrong, then I am actually making room for them to wrongfully exist, or be minimized. To be complacent is actually to be complicit with those parts of my story, instead of naming them for what they truly were: wicked or wrong. But there is actually blessing when I can truthfully label the hurtful components of my story. It honors myself and the truth when I verbalize the realities.
So what does this mean for any who want to make sense of the past relational wounds, and begin the healing journey?
- First, it means that one must acknowledge the parts of her story that existed.
- Second, she must be able to give an account for how those parts of her story have emotionally impacted her.
- Third, there must be a judgment made in reflection of the story, as a dynamic being “wrong” as much as one would label anything good as acceptable.
It takes a lot of courage to reflect upon one’s story. It also takes a lot of compassion and care to make space for truth to be known and received. It’s actually the kindest thing that one can do for herself – or the “other” in the story. It is a statement of conviction that wishes to honor truth and for others to also honor truth.
If you need help knowing what this can look like in healthiness or healing in your own journey, please reach out to a trusted friend, pastor, or a counselor. By no means is this meant to “push” a person beyond the sense of safety to engage with a current abuser or unsafe person. In fact, it is normal that one can only realize the truth of the wrongdoings after being able to experience the consistency of safety in life.
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