Does it Matter to Belong, and Does Belonging Matter?

Originally Published May 2022

Recently I watched a video that a woman recorded of her 60-year-old dad as she surprised him with news that she had found information about his biological dad. Not only did the woman find out who he is, but she discovered that he is alive and that wants to meet up with his son, who he never knew existed. Adding another amazing surprise, the woman shares that this 60-year-old man also has sisters. At this point the man in the video becomes overwhelmed with joy and emotes tears. He pauses to catch his breath and confirm with his daughter that her news is “for real.” And then he utters a simple but profound statement, “I have people.”

I’m not gonna lie, I started to cry also as I watched this man’s life change in that video moment. It was evident he had been longing for something like this his whole life. It was a beautiful picture of desire fulfilled.

I often tell my couples clients that everyone wants to be “heard and valued” in a relationship. But after watching this video, I realized that at the essence of any human being is the need to “belong and matter” in this world and to strive toward that end.

This can be seen even in the earliest days of the life of a child. How a baby is attuned to, attached with, and cared for, matters greatly in the formation and support of that individual’s security and self-worth for life. In psychological development, we call this significance the “attachment style.”

There is weighty-ness to the worth and value of belonging somewhere in this world. There is a great matter of security and attachment that comes with relationships. This can actually be in unhealthy contexts or groups – which is why youth may join gangs, run with the wrong crowds at school, or be steeped in the online virtual world … just to have a sense of belonging.

Each of us has a need to belong, and know that we matter. God created us in His image, which decisively gives us inherent and eternal worth. But sometimes we don’t recognize this or feel that others foster this innate quality. Every human deserves the dignity to belong and matter.

So it is fair to say that it matters to belong, and belonging matters. It is essential to one’s functioning and daily living. We are created for relational connection with each other. In fact, the emotional part of our brain (uncontrolled by our logic) is actually most soothed (when involuntarily aroused) by the security of safe interactions with another person. This can be a hug, a smile, a gentle touch of the hand, or simply sitting in silence with the hurting. (Simple silence can be hard to do, but it can be the most profound at times.)

Feeling alone in this world may give way to depression, anxiety, or perpetuated false belief of not being “good enough.” My urging would be for you to find and lean into supportive relationships with safe people. This could be a church community, a dear friend, counselor, or a support group. We all need to belong.And you matter.