Don’t Should All Over Yourself

Sitting around the family dinner table the other night, my youngest read a discussion prompt, “What emotion do you wish you’d never have to feel again?” The answers circled the table; “anger”-“fear”-“sad” – but then one answer gave us all pause. My middle child responded, “embarrassment.” It was like the proverbial mic-drop. We all resounded with the answer, and I was surprised that I didn’t think of that. Or, maybe there was a reason that I didn’t even want to think of that emotion. There can even be shame-triggers around the awareness of the feeling.

Shame often creeps in and sends the subtle message that “you messed up, and it’s too much.” Like a parasite, shame latches onto anything that has room for doubt, and it perpetuates that doubt. In fact, embarrassment is like shame, but shame turns embarrassment around to be a weight of negative feeling.

I perceive embarrassment, or healthy shame, to be the awareness of one’s mistake, but still allows room for correction and growth. On the other hand, unhealthy shame not only draws attention to the mistake, but it feels like oneself is the mistake, and therefore not able to repair or grow. 

Healthy shame is felt when we step outside of healthy boundaries for living and interaction. This healthy shame actually works as a moral compass to bring about awareness of the unhealthiness and point us back in the right direction of relational restoration.

Without a healthy understanding of our humanity and value, we then formulate our worth based on our success. Self-talk that is shaped this way will begin to focus on the failures, which will always push us toward isolation. This is how shame corrupts the right understanding of embarrassment. 

A healthy understanding of my mistake causes me to feel embarrassed, but I can face that in order to repair a relationship and grow for my future interactions. Shame, on the other hand, sends the message that I messed up so much that I “should not” even try reconnecting – or else I will certainly feel the rejection from that person I have wronged.

Ultimately, shame stems from something wrong or hurtful that was done. Shame amplifies the fear of rejection by others if “we are found out,” and forces us to hide ourselves. Shame chains us to “the doghouse” in our minds where it is isolated and away from the fear, but also unable to be known and vulnerable. It deceives us with the belief that relational connection does not exist, nor possible to be comforted. So we look for a “shortcut” that keeps us isolated and perpetuated in the felt shame. 

Shame manifests in one of two ways: distraction or self-deprecation. Distraction is when one pursues anything (eg. porn, relationships, workaholism, drugs, body image, etc.) in a plight to outpace the shadow of shame. Self-deprecation is burying oneself under the weight of isolation, out of the fear that being known would truly solidify one’s own disgust.

Some markers of shame that you may recognize with yourself are statements like, “I should/not have …” (This often places unmerited expectations upon oneself.) Or “this action/feeling is so silly/stupid.” (This devalues your emotions – which you did not voluntarily feel.) 

I often tell my clients, when they realize these behaviors in themselves, “Don’t ‘should’ all over yourself.” Meaning, the internal self-bullying is not what creates room for growth and repair. Be curious about the feelings you have and step into the process of caring.

Find different ways to phrase what’s actually expected or wanted. Statements like, “I wanted that to turn out differently, but at least I tried.” Or, “Next time I want to be able to …” Or, “I wonder why I feel shame around this?” Shame originates in our past somewhere, in a specific interaction, so be curious how that was learned.

We all know the feeling of shame, but to slow down and understand what it does to the holistic self is hard work and important. Without one’s self-reflection and willingness to be aware, shame will keep the invisible chains around and isolate you from healthy connection.