Today our topic is forgiveness versus reconciliation. There is often great debate between what it means to forgive versus reconcile. A quick way to grasp the distinction is this: forgiveness is a me thing, reconciliation is a we thing. Forgiveness requires my choosing alone as to whether or not I can forgive and let go of something. This is not the same as forgetting, dismissing, or burying a matter. Forgiveness is the deliberate choice to be aware of the matter, understand how it was hurtful to you, and not hold on to that for the sake of your growth in healthiness. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person being present or involved. Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another just as God in Christ has forgiven you.” As a Christ follower, this is very important to me and it calls me to forgiveness.
However, God does not say that we need to be reconciled. Reconciliation is something that requires not just me, but the other person as well. If I want the relationship to be reconciled, it’s not enough for that other person to be distant, hurtful, harmful, toxic, and just me to show up with the best intentions. This is not reconciliation; it’s just me trying to fix the problem alone. Reconciliation requires me and the other person to be willing, understanding, and decisively choosing to be healthy and functioning in the relationship.
Forgiveness is a fundamental part of reconciliation. I have to be able to recognize and convey what was done, why that was hurtful, and what I need to be different. Reconciliation requires bringing the other person on board, explaining those things, and seeing if the other person is willing to make the changes necessary for health in the relationship.
It is healthy that we reconcile only with those relationships that we want to see improved; relationships that we want to restore and see value in. We are not called to reconcile with everyone around us. If you have been abused, it is likely the best thing to get out of that relationship. You can choose to forgive so you can move on, but this does not mean that the other person is released from their guilt in the situation. Choosing to forgive is your ability to say “This is the healthy change that I need because something egregious was done.”
The Christians in the book of Ephesus were living in the midst of a lot of unhealthy behaviors. This is why Paul in 5:15 says “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise, but as wise”
Proverb 13:20 says “He who walks with the wise is wise but the companion of fools suffers harm.” In the Bible, God calls us to be responsible for the decisions we make. Part of that is knowing who to reconcile with and who not to reconcile with. We are called to love and to forgive, but we are not called to reconcile with everyone. Forgiveness is a me thing, reconciliation is a we thing.
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