By Jesse Masson, LPC
In marriages and dating relationships, it is a healthy thing to want to please your significant other. This is a result of genuine love. An example of this would be to communicate your whereabouts when going out (with friends or to run errands) – not to ask for permission, but as to not cause undue worry since you care for the other person. The distinction of love, rather than manipulation, is the key component to relational healthiness.
On the other hand, an unhealthy dynamic for couples is when one feels responsible to make the other person feel good, or not disappointed in, the behaviors that are exhibited. Manipulation can be presented by projecting doubt onto the more vulnerable spouse. This is usually referred to as gaslighting. This is subtle, and over time it may even feel like you are going crazy because you see problems in the relationship, but you are unable to clearly agree with how your partner perceives the problem (i.e. your fault). However, gaslighting can even occur in the church, from a pastor, or another Christian who tries giving unsolicited advice. When someone “preaches” a Bible verse at you, this can be extremely hurtful when you don’t feel heard by them first.
An example of gaslighting may be when a husband demands that the wife check in with him whenever she wants to go somewhere – “in case he was going to need something” (that he did not communicate, but is wanting to control). Another example is when conflicts arise, the husband points out the wife’s behavior that caused him to feel or react a certain way that is “less desirable.” Or simply doing just that – using language to downplay, or soften, the reality of his neglected responsibility. Yet after a heated marital conflict, instead of being responsible for hurtful names he called his wife, he may say, “well if you didn’t get me so mad, I wouldn’t have responded like that.” Or, “Why do you always misunderstand me?” (Again, this shifts the responsibility away from his actions, in order to refocus on her as the “problem.”)
These gaslighting interactions cause doubt in the spouse (often the wife), and the other spouse (often the husband) refuses to take responsibility, and shifts negative dynamics away from himself. This often is a product of his emotional unhealthiness that is drenched in fear of losing control (of himself or the spouse), and if he can’t control the relationship, then he loses all hope for comfort and security.
Here are a few things that can be done if you are being gaslighted in the relationship:
- Take responsibility for yourself, and not for anything outside your control. If you were hurtful, then apologize for the unkind words or actions, so you have a chance for reconciling the relationship.
- Don’t assume responsibility for another’s words or behavior. It’s ok for you to acknowledge your hurt feelings, and to identify that in the words or behavior of your spouse. Let him/her know what is not appreciated, and ask for an acceptable change in future interactions. Allow the spouse to be responsible for himself, because you can’t control another person anyway.
- Have boundaries in the relationship. This means knowing what you need/want in the relationship, and how these are able to be complementary in the dynamics of your interactions. For example, “When raising your voice aggressively, as I try talking with you, I feel unsafe and I cannot stay in the room to listen. However, if you choose to speak to me in a kind tone and not blame me for your conduct, then I will gladly listen to how you feel, because I care.”
- Don’t mistake appeasement for progress. Excuses will never cease being creative for why something is not changing. A gaslighter spouse will often talk about knowing what needs to be done/changed – even the efforts given – but he does not produce the emotional security and responsibility that is required by him. When this happens, you may have to step away from the relationship until he proves that he is able to be healthy enough to interact with, as a couple. This is a delicate aspect of boundaries and I suggest seeking out a trusted counselor to help advise and mediate in an unbiased manner that serves both spouses.
This is a very tricky subject to navigate individually, and that is the difficult aspect since the gaslighted spouse often feels isolated and alone. But sometimes the healthy thing to do is to remove the unhealthiness, even if that is the person. Whether it is you, or the spouse, nobody will begin to grow if left in a toxic environment. We can hope and pray for change, but ultimately the greatest responsibility anyone can have is to manage herself or himself in healthiness and emotional self-awareness. No person has control beyond himself, but that is a worthy aspect to care for so that healthy interactions can occur with others.
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