With the holidays approaching quickly, I am aware that conflict is just as inevitable for many as the feasting and gift wrapping. But there is one thing I like to be aware of that conflict helps me identify: there is usually more truth in the unspoken or undertones of a relationship, than what initially appears.
Conflict can be described as when one set of beliefs or behaviors is directly opposed to another set of beliefs or behaviors. This happens in marriage, family, friends, and even within self. It’s no stretch of the imagination that marriage has ample opportunity for conflict and struggles. It can be present in the pile of dirty dishes, the broken communication, or the discovery of an affair. There is conflict when family or friends hold their standards of what is acceptable, over your comfort level or ability. And of course, there can even be conflict in yourself as you try to decide what actions to take, and feeling conflicted as to why you should choose an action based on comfort or conviction. (These can be aligned, although sometimes these are mutually exclusive.)
Conflict holds the opportunity to recognize the area of discord or brokenness in the relationship. This means that it can be engaged with in a positive sense of learning and appreciation. But I have heard the rebuttals of “choosing to be happy” is just pretending to ignore the pains of reality. I would never encourage a person to ignore the realities around them, nor do I believe that “being stuck” in them is the only option.
I have sat with clients who cannot hear the other spouse in conflict because it hurts too much. I have also sat with individuals that claim their pain is too scary to try confronting with self-compassion or changed course of action. Both of these are potentially harmful, as it actually commits to not resolving any hindering dynamics. I am reminded of this subtlety in the Bible (Hebrews 2:1) that reads, “For this reason we must pay closer attention to what we have heard, let we drift away.” I know this applies to the early Church believers in their spiritual faith, but it provides a principle lesson for resolving conflicted relationships.
I can often be blind to factors that inhibit my relational ability with my spouse, others, and even myself. I must view conflict as an opportunity to grow in my understanding of self, and relationship with another. If not, then I will constantly feel the strife of either being stuck in pain, or looking for another to blame.
There are times when my wife points the dynamics of our disagreements out to me, and poses a question of “why do you think you did that?” Sometimes I have self-reflections of “what motivated me to choose this response?” with a friend. These tough questions deserve honest reflections, and I’m grateful for moments of truth that interrupt my complacency for unawareness to such dynamics in my life.
It is these moments that allow healthy connection and closer relationships to actually occur in life. The next time you notice conflict in your life – whether with your spouse, a friend, or even within yourself – slow down and be grateful that you have an opportunity to be aware and respond in healthiness toward your beliefs and behaviors.
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