Control the Anxious Controlling

Originally Published August 2021

Let’s admit it, when any of us wrestle to gain control of an aspect in life, it can be rooted in fear and anxious feelings of losing control to some degree. The power struggle with a teenage child, a strenuous routine to maintain a certain body image, trying to correct others’ behaviors, or even wrestling with an addiction – all of these are an attempt to indirectly control a component of fear. 

Anxiety can give the illusion that we must have control beyond our limitations. This illusion causes our focus and energy to be given to an empty outcome. I tell my clients that it can often feel as though you are spinning your wheels in mud, getting nowhere fast. But why would any of us do this maddening game of spinning in anxiety?

Because within fear is the message that “facing the issue will be too much.” This inner monologue shapes responses of avoidance, denial, or other maladaptive coping skills, such as giving efforts toward controlling what is actually not in my control. It may look like vigilantly avoiding any/all potential “bad” scenarios  so that I don’t have to experience negative feelings. Sometimes, this means I try to shut off my awareness of my own emotions.  I may even feel that all my efforts are actually holding things in place or keeping harm at bay, which inflates my need to be anxiously spinning my wheels of “control.”

It is true that what we pay attention to the most grows the most. Anxious thoughts can be a trap for time and energy. But it is important to find a hope for the future so that efforts can shift away from the hamster wheel routine, and toward a purposeful goal. Be mindful of anxious moments and how your efforts are focused.

There is a common phrase in the counseling world: “You can’t heal what you don’t feel.” So here are important steps to actually gaining control when life feels out of control.

1. Be cognizant. Don’t avoid the discomfort. Notice it in your body, and stay with it. (Unless it is a traumatic trigger. Then please use a stabilizing skill to ground yourself in safety.)
2. Be curious. Label the feeling behind the anxiety, and try to understand what it connects with for you. (eg. Anxiety pops up when experiencing awkward social interactions, which fear then prompts me to avoid any social risks, to “maintain” my safety from others.)
3. Be comforted. Know that you have limitations and are only capable of controlling your own choices and responses. This is actually freeing to know that you don’t have the pressure to facilitate and monitor other people and circumstances.
4. Be courageous. Choose to interact with your needs and take the necessary risks to care well for yourself. (eg. It was a heartbreak to be objectified by your last romantic partner, but learn from that and choose someone else that has healthier qualities. Take a risk to date again and be connected with healthier people.)

In his book, “Finding Meaning,” David Kessler challenges the reader to think of what can become if change is possible, and if facing the future were acted upon. Kessler later reminds the reader that, “broken crayons still color.” In other words, adversity does not define us, and we always have the option to grow and be healthy – even when we feel differently in the moment or have experienced otherwise.

I recently listened to the podcast, “The Place We Find Ourselves,” where guest John Eldredge (ep. #81) stated, “beauty reassures us that goodness is still real in the world. More real than harm or scarcity in the world.” I encourage you to find the beauty beyond such feelings that your world is out of control. Anne Frank poetically said, “I don’t think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that remains.”