Originally Published September 2020
Today we are going to talk about the distinction between compromising and settling particularly in marital relationships. Although compromise is a term that we tend to use quite often, in my time as a counselor, I have discovered that most people tend to confuse the concepts of compromising and settling in conflict. Settling is the act of appeasing a partner in order to keep a conflict from growing, while personally gaining nothing. It is the mentality that we have to lose something in order for the conflict in our marriage to be resolved.
A primary example of settling in marriage is in sexual conflict. I hear from many spouses that they feel they have to settle on a resolution in this area to satisfy their spouse, but they feel like they have lost in the end. One spouse usually feels like they have to yield to the desires of the other in order to solve the issue.
So how do we move from a settling mentality to a compromise mentality? How do we move past the feeling that we are always losing in order to make our spouse happy?
In order to compromise in conflict, spouses need to come together in order to find solutions. Settling looks like a game of tug of war where both spouses are fighting for themselves in order to win. Compromise seeks to create a win-win situation where both spouses invest something into the relationship in order to create peace. When we compromise, we aren’t viewing our contribution as a loss for ourselves, but as an opportunity to give something to our spouse.
Healthy compromise can only take place when both spouses have the ability to willingly give something to the spouse. When we demand something from our spouse, we cannot correctly label that as a “compromise.” Yielding to a demand from a spouse is settling, not compromising.
When we are able to work towards healthy compromise in our marriages, we can trust that each time we are able to give to our spouse, we are contributing to the greater healthiness and stability of the marriage.
Recent Comments