Originally Published August 2020
Sitting around the family dinner table the other night, my youngest read a discussion prompt, “What emotion do you wish you’d never have to feel again?” The answers circled the table; “anger”-“fear”-“sad” – but then one answer gave us all pause. My middle child responded, “embarrassment.” It was like the proverbial mic-drop. We all resounded with the answer, and I was surprised that I didn’t think of that. Or, maybe there was a reason that I didn’t even want to think of that emotion. There can even be shame-triggers around the awareness of the feeling.
Shame has a way of showing up in small ways most of the time, despite our fear of it making a grand spectacle – like a pimple on the first date, or your pants zipper open, in front of a large crowd while public speaking. (I may or may not have had this experience.) No, shame often creeps in and sends the subtle message that “you messed up, and it’s too much.” Like a parasite, shame latches onto anything that has room for doubt, and it perpetuates that doubt. In fact, embarrassment is like shame, but shame turns embarrassment around to be a negative feeling.
I perceive embarrassment, or healthy shame, to be the awareness of one’s mistake, but still allows room for correction and growth. On the other hand, unhealthy shame not only draws attention to the mistake, but it feels like oneself is the mistake, and therefore not able to repair or grow.
2 Thessalonians (3:14-15 NASB) teaches us that healthy shame is felt when we step outside of healthy boundaries and instruction for living, and it does not maintain isolation. This healthy shame actually works as a moral compass to bring about an awareness (of sin) and point us back in the right direction of relational restoration.
Without a healthy understanding of our humanity and value, we then formulate our worth based on our success. Self-talk that is shaped this way will begin to focus on the failures, rather than the growth. This is how shame corrupts the right understanding of embarrassment.
A healthy understanding of my mistake causes me to feel embarrassed, but I can face that in order to repair a relationship and grow for my future interactions. Shame, on the other hand, sends the message that I messed up so much that I need to crawl away (to my proverbial doghouse) and not even try reconnecting – or else I will certainly feel the rejection from that person I have wronged.
Ultimately, shame comes from something wrong that was done (i.e. sin) and realized. Shame amplifies the fear of rejection by others if “we are found out,” and ultimately creates a small space for us to hide ourselves. Shame chains us to the doghouse in our minds where it is isolated and comfortable, and unable to be known and vulnerable. It deceives us with the belief that relational connection does not exist, nor possible to be comforted. So we look for a “shortcut” that keeps us isolated and perpetuated in the felt shame.
Some markers of shame that you may recognize with yourself are statements like, “I should/not have …” (This often places unmerited expectations upon oneself.) Or “this action/feeling is so silly/stupid.” (This devalues your emotions – which you did not voluntarily feel.)
Instead, I encourage you to find different ways to phrase what you actually expected or wanted. Statements like, “I wanted that to turn out differently.” Or, “Next time I want to be able to …” Especially reflections like, “I wonder why I feel shame around this?”
We all know the feeling of shame, but to slow down and understand what it does to the holistic self is hard work and important. Without one’s self-reflection and willingness to be aware, shame will keep the invisible chains around you and isolate you to the doghouse that sin built.
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