Today I’d like to talk about a helpful conflict communication skill. In marriage, friendship, with a coworker, etc., the tensions easily and quickly rise during conflict. Sometimes it feels like we are ships passing in the night. Sometimes we feel like what I am saying isn’t being heard by the other person and what they are saying isn’t clicking with me. Those are good signs that a conversation isn’t going anywhere. It’s a negative cycle with wheels spinning in the mud. When we have these realizations during conflict with another person, one thing we can do is give ourselves permission to take a break or a time out.
I’ve done this myself many times. When I am in conflict with my spouse and realize that things are going nowhere and I am getting agitated, I’ve had to stop and say “Listen, give me 20 minutes. I wanna come back to this but right now I’m not able to.” And that is really a healthy thing. Taking a time out allows you to de-escalate and come back into the situation at an even level. It doesn’t take long for “one-ups disease” to escalate things and then we’re not even working on the problem, we are seeing each other as the problem. This is a really common and familiar situation that I think we all have been in.
I think this is really highlighted well in Proverbs 17:14. It says “The beginning of strife is like letting water out, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out.”
When we are noticing that we are at our breaking point, it doesn’t take long for strife to turn into quarrel. This verse in Proverbs is calling us to be aware of our limitations. When we are no longer able to see someone else amidst the strife and it gets to that point where it just becomes quarrelsome, wisdom says to take a break or a time out. Be willing to disengage so that you can be in control of those emotions for the sake of connecting in healthiness around the problem rather than seeing someone as the problem. This is a good reminder for me as well; when you notice that the conflict is too much, you have the right and freedom to take the time out in order to care for both yourself and the other person.
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