What Grief is and What To Do With It

Sadness is the expression of disappointment or losing something important. When a person commonly expresses sadness through tears, it can signify that security or safety is compromised, hurt has been inflicted, or a relationship has been lost. Grief differs from sadness as it moves beyond the loss of a valued element. Grief is the process of making sense of a great loss. (e.g. relationships, death of loved ones, job loss, etc.)

When a person grieves healthily, he is able to acknowledge the value of what was, and pursue acceptance of how that changed dynamic impacts reality now. An unhealthy form of grieving is when a person struggles to accept the changed reality after a sad loss. This can often cause a person to feel “stuck” or incapable of moving forward in life.

I spoke with a friend recently who was telling me that he felt guilty for holding onto feelings of being loved by someone in his distant past, but unable to feel that from his wife. He doesn’t want to hurt his wife, so he figured it would be best to ignore his emotions and beat himself up whenever he wasn’t able to control such memories. This friend is not in contact with anyone inappropriately, nor is he trying to search for anything outside of his marriage.

I use this illustration as my friend feels stuck in his pain of making a past mistake (i.e. letting go of something good) or possibly doing damage in his marriage (i.e. causing hurt if he were to disclose honestly to his wife) without wanting to. I told him that it sounds like he needed some permission to grieve. He looked at me a little surprised as if I told him to pursue an untouchable relationship. Of course I did not mean anything outside of his marriage. In fact I strictly meant for him to pursue and process his grief, for himself.

It is not uncommon for those of us who experience grief, to want to hold onto the acceptable ways of “what was” before losing something of importance. In fact, we understandably relish the good, and struggle to accept the forced change that a deep sadness often highlights.

However, healthy grief is not about letting go of what was good before, but about accepting the reality of how life is different now. This may be a healthy self-reflection of how you need to adapt to living differently in order to be healthy or successful with your life goals and virtues. We cannot move forward unless we honor what was and look into what aspects we want to carry forward with a new perspective.

Unhealthy: Ever since my grandpa died, I don’t want to be around family since they just remind me of losing him.

Healthy: Even though my grandpa is dead, I hold onto the fond memories of him whenever I create a painting – and I think how proud he would be of me.

Grief is a process that can only begin with a self-awareness of one’s feelings, and an honest interaction with such circumstances. No person wants to feel grief, so it makes sense that we try really hard to avoid it. The reality is, we will be stuck in our grief as long as we do avoid it. It’s like an infection that is avoided – no one ever feels better when they ignore taking care of a wound.

Like many vulnerable feelings that surface, you must be able to feel safe with yourself (no condemnation) and others (no judgment) as you explore its impact. Grief is like a built up pressure hiding behind a valve. We can either gently open up to it when noticed, or we can wait until it bursts from overwhelming back-pressure built up.

Find a support group, therapy group, or a trusted friend. A good resource for this (which I receive no benefit from sharing) is the book, “The Grief Recovery Handbook” (John James & Russell Friedman).

It is important to process the event, your response to it, and why this has such an impact in your life. Like any emotion – once it feels accepted and comforted, it can exist in healthiness – and without shame – as you embrace that reality.

There is much in our world today that can easily cause us grief. We cannot control external circumstances, but we can control how we interact with our emotions in healthiness.