What is the Difference Between Respect and Honor?

When I sit with clients that are working through childhood family wounds, the number one opposition I receive (especially those with a church background) is that they do not want to dishonor any family member as they begin to be aware of the discomforts of their past. Often, the manifested message is along the lines of, “my parents tried their best – especially considering their childhood.” That feigned consideration of one’s background only dismisses an unhealthy behavior.  I am not trying to label one’s parents or spit on reputations or intentions. Counseling invites the client to be curious and accurately label what took place in a specific time, educate the Self on how feelings connect with certain interactions, and to not be blinded by intentions. 

I recently had a client tell me, “Jesse, I don’t want to disrespect my Dad and talk about what I am feeling. Doesn’t the Bible teach me to honor my parents?” In response, I assured the client that labeling their feelings or how they experienced the other person has nothing to do with respect … but it does have a great deal with how to honor reality and self-awareness. I guess I am trying to more accurately say that honor and respect are actually two different tasks and responsibilities. 

The Bible does teach us to honor our parents (Ephesians 6:1), and others who are in a position of authority (Romans 13). However, there is actually no command to respect others blindly – nor the unhealthy, hurtful, or sinful behaviors. Scripture teaches us that righteous authorities (government, parents, pastors, husband) will act in ways that are godly and serving. These are the qualities that we are called to respect in such relationships. Here the responsibility of good leadership (i.e. respectful behavior) is with the authority figure, and the response of respect is on the recipient. Invertedly, the Bible teaches us to honor the righteous position that authorities hold. More importantly, honor has more to do with one’s response – regardless of another’s behavior or upholding positions of authority rightly. Here the responsibility of honor is not with the authority figure, but how the recipient’s conduct rightly responds in healthiness and truth. God calls us to be “Salt and Light” (Matthew 5) in this world, on the basis of speaking truth. In Ephesians 5, Christians are called to “speak the Truth in Love” – which is an honorable interaction – not dependent upon another’s earning such honor.

So how does this translate into healthy emotional self-care? In order to heal from past wounds or trauma, one has to be able to recognize the truth of an event. One is able to most honor any relationship by holding to truth, accurately labeling what happened, the evoked feelings, and the needs that were neglected or discarded. An abuse survivor does not bring healing by denying the traumatic events. Instead, the survivor can only begin healing when willing to see truth and respond honestly. Whether the abuser is a stranger, spouse, or parent – truth is honored when it gets spoken and responded to appropriately. Denying truth is actually not respectful or honorable to anyone. That cheapens the hurt and excuses unhealthy behaviors.

It takes great courage to face the truth of the past. We often distort our views of reality because it feels like a more tolerable, alternate reality that is easier to digest than the painful truth that someone close or trusted was able to act in a harmful manner. If you have an awareness that something in your life does not seem clear or congruent, please talk with a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor. We often need others to help us see truth when we are disoriented or have reiterated lies to ourselves. But allow me to offer encouragement and comfort from the words of Jesus Christ, “and you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free” (John 8:32). Care well for yourself, with patience and grace in what you may discover.