Originally Published October 2022
Why do we feel a lack of control over our emotions? I recently sat with a client who described an emotional situation in which they didn’t feel they had total control over their response. Because of this, they reacted negatively in a way that was, in their own words, “more than the situation called for.” When it comes to understanding why we do what we do, implicit memory is key. Many of you may be unfamiliar with this term, but this concept is at the root of many of our daily thoughts, actions, and the way we interact with the world.
So what is implicit memory? And how can understanding it help us respond to life’s most difficult situations? To narrow in our focus, let’s take a look at both implicit and explicit memory.
Implicit and explicit memory are both types of long term memory, however, they function quite differently.
Explicit memories are memories that you have to consciously work to remember. For example, your second grade teacher’s name or your high school mascot are examples of explicit memories.
Implicit memories are a bit more complex. They tell you how the world works and what you can expect from it based on past experiences. For example, if I was bitten by a dog as a kid, I’m naturally going to be more leary of dogs. When a dog comes around, I’m going to be more hesitant to go near it than a friend who has always had nice dogs.
The point is, implicit memory isn’t something you have to stop and recall like you would thinking back on your second grade classroom. Implicit memory has primed the way you anticipate the world around you without having to think about it. Implicit memories have been part of us since before we were born and they’re important to bring awareness to what we are feeling both physically and emotionally.
So what, then, is the key to understanding your own implicit memories? Your body. You have a body that’s constantly in flux. Pay attention to shifts in your body’s arousal, such as sensations of panic, numbness, or anxiety. Recognizing these shifts in your body lets you know that an implicit memory has just been activated.
How does this help? It can help you recognize that when big shifts occur in your emotions and bodily sensations, you can approach it from a curious rather than condemning perspective.
Let’s say you grew up with an angry and abusive father in the home. Later, as an adult when someone uses the term “Father” to describe their relationship with God, you may feel a shift in your body and emotions that was primed by the implicit memory that “fathers are not safe.” Although you may be able to cognitively tell yourself “I know God loves me,” it doesn’t stop the initial sensation that arises from your body and emotions.
So what’s the solution? How do we change our implicit memories to work for us not against us? Experience. When we experience healthy relationships, our brain is able to anticipate and respond in healthier ways.
Like it or not, our brains have preconceived notions about nearly every aspect of life. So when we recognize a situation where our emotion takes over, we can begin to be curious about what implicit memory is creating the initial emotion.
Give yourself grace as you practice becoming aware. Establishing healthier patterns of new experiences will benefit your relationships and ultimately lead to a healthier life.
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