Originally Published January 2022
Have you and your spouse ever been in a point of conflict where your spouse feels hurt by something you have done, but you also feel greatly hurt or uncared for by what was said? I know I have experienced these types of moments in my marriage. I can recall how quickly such moments escalated into me trying to gain validation for not only why I said or did something, but for how I was hurt. My rationale can even be honorable with the intent of “solving the misunderstanding” so we can move forward in restoration, but instead we get caught up in what I like to call the Conflict Cycle. And it seems like a bad amusement park ride to get stuck on.
Some years ago when listening to a speaker on marital conflict, the advice was simple, yet difficult: “the more mature spouse is the one who can apologize first.”
It was simple to comprehend, but difficult to implement as I quickly became fixated on the potential “right and wrong” of any given issue in conflict.
This little phrase does not indicate who is necessarily right, but it actually reflects who is more emotionally healthy and able to be present in the moment. Instead of getting caught up in which spouse has more convincing evidence or condemning reactions, this is an opportunity to notice how your spouse is feeling in the moment.
There is always a disconnect when relational hurt is experienced. In fact the emotions of anger or discontentment that get expressed with words or actions are actually “emotional bids” to be noticed. The problem lies with not knowing how to make those bids in healthiness. So when a hurtful response is expressed, it escalates into a defensive act of “one-ups-disease” – and both spouses dig in to protect their own feelings that need to be valued.
Another little phrase I have adopted for conflict resolution is, “the goal in any conflict is not to win the problem, but to win the person.” Here is the practical application to any conflict. If one can recognize that out of hurt comes unhealthy interactions, then it can be understood that the conflict is not about who is right, but that the other partner is emotionally wounded and needs to be understood and reassured.
This is how one can see the hurt spouse through a healthy (mature) lense and apologize for the hurt that was committed. It’s not because one’s feelings are disregarded or less important, but that there is no possible connection unless each spouse can be seen and cared for. Maturity is not about who is better, but who is able to show up healthy.
I am reminded of the Bible verse that reads, “when there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10:19).
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