By Jesse Masson, LPC
Truth is a relevant term. It is a perception that one holds and acts upon. Consequently however, when our held values of truth begin to crack, it will shatter our perspective.
Perhaps nothing is more damaging than finding out that your spouse is no longer the person you thought s/he was. In fact, infidelity (sexual or emotional) tears through the truth, and it now requires a re-analysis of what construct is believable in your life. If you have been cheated on by your spouse, you know this pain shadowed by shame, embarrassment, and anger. You are uncertain in what you believe and feel that everything in your life now demands empirical evidence before you can trust it. You may even find yourself checking your spouse’s whereabouts during the day because you can’t trust the assumed daily routine anymore.
If you are the one who has betrayed your spouse’s trust, then you are already aware of the hurt you caused and the shame that now tags along with you in everything you say or do. There are sets of eyes and ears that scrutinize your every step. You may have already repented and changed certain behaviors about your daily life. This is an important realization to learn: you cannot force trust to be rebuilt in your marriage. It must be earned back.
So how would one go about re-establishing trust into the marriage when it has been shattered? Good question, let’s look at what it takes.
- Honest & open communication
- It was dishonesty that broke trust in the relationship. That will have to start changing immediately with the truth – and the whole truth. This is important for two reasons. First, it is the tendency for the betraying spouse to want to ‘hide’ certain facts out of fear of causing further pain for the offended spouse. Second, your spouse deserves to know everything about you as the partner in your covenant-marriage.
- Accountability
- Because a response requires trust in order to be accepted, your word may not carry much weight anymore. The need for proof is a necessary step in trust-recovery. This may look like handing your phone over upon random requests to view search history or texts. Maybe you have internet filters in place for home use and your mobile devices. Perhaps submitting to accountability with real people will be beneficial for your corrective behavior, and your spouse’s peace of mind.
- Effort
- I cannot tell you how many offended spouses come into my office and let me know how little effort is (seemingly) put forth by the wrongful partner. Likewise, the betraying spouse always seems confused since s/he is doing all the recommended things that were required in the retribution. So what is important? The effort is never about what task is being done, but how it is being done. If your efforts are a task-list, your spouse will notice that and feel like you really don’t want to regain trust in the marriage. So don’t let your discouragement lead to further frustrations in the marriage. Move forward and toward love.
- Time
- Well if unnoticed efforts are discouraging, then this aspect is all about persevering! As I often tell couples in my office who are hurting from something terrible: “Reconstructing this marriage is not going to be quick like a jet-ski, but it is more like an ocean-liner. Slow to redirect, but once set, it can stay the course amidst some heavy storms.” This can be frustrating as both spouses would like to have a quick recovery and re-installment of trust into the marriage.
- My spouse’s perspective
- Too many instances in couple’s therapy have made this clear: The offended or betrayed spouse is the one who gets to decide when you are trustworthy again. If I am a compulsive liar, why should my wife have a quick-turned heart to trust me after I’ve proven myself for a few weeks? It may take months or years to restore trust in the marriage after it has been shattered. (Experts say that affair recovery can take anywhere between 2-5 years of constant effort and emotional recovery.) The important thing is to be in communication with your spouse to gauge how well you are performing the necessary steps, and if s/he perceives those to be genuine and lovingly meeting the need for earning back such trust. You can expect that your efforts will seem better by you much sooner than your spouse will give you credit for. But you are playing the long game, for the sake of your marriage. Be in it to win it!
Of course, seeing an unbiased, third party to help sort out such issues of hurt due to mistrust is a wise idea. I suggest the investment into your marriage of working under the professional guidance of a counselor, pointing out what is hurtful, and pointing to what is helpful. It will take hard work, perseverance, and an attitude of humility – but you can do it.
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