Supporting Grief Well

Originally Published April 2023

Grief is a natural part of life – so why is it so difficult to embrace? It doesn’t take long to notice things in this world that are worth grieving: broken relationships, death of a family member, job loss, illness, school shootings, etc. When we see others in grief, it’s natural to empathize and try to be helpful and give comfort.

But there are ways that grief gets mishandled-often unknowingly in the response from a supporter. Far too often, the way in which one tries to offer comfort in words or actions can add pain to the other’s grief. Although unintentional, we have to be aware of ways that we inhibit healthy grieving, and understand what it takes to allow others to be in their grief – and us too!

Of course, it is always harmful to avoid or not acknowledge the grief at hand. This is often done because one is afraid of what greater significance is implied if grief is indeed validated. But that aside, this article is about the harm done when another enters the presence of grief–like a sledgehammer– on behalf of the griever. This conveys a sense of dismissal or belittling of the other’s grief.

It is my experience that there can be two unhealthy judgments that enter the arena of another person’s grieving process. The first unhealthy judgment is about what the person is grieving; or rather, do we believe the loss is actually worth grieving? The second unhealthy judgment is about how the person is grieving. Do we think the person is overreacting to what he holds with grief – or not “sad enough” for the circumstance?

“Shouldn’t she be over that by now?”

“It’s not like he can’t get another job in this market.”

“Don’t cry, it’s not as bad as it could be.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

I find that if I hold these judgments about someone’s sadness, it actually reflects more about my unhealthiness – or discomfort – than it does for the grief’s appropriateness. Unintentionally, phrases like the above get offered from a place of incompetence when trying to handle the grief. Usually, the person in grief doesn’t need specific answers – just the stability of knowing that someone sees their grief and can hold it with him.

There is a great example of unhealthy interactions of a grief support system in the Bible’s narrative of Job. It is demonstrated in how his three friends respond to Job’s great loss and grief. Although unintentional, they greatly add insult and wounds to Job’s sorrow. This is something we all are capable of (unintentionally) doing if we are not careful in how we engage another person’s loss.

Here are the three false narrative of a grief support system that are demonstrated through his friends’ interactions:

1. Something was wrong to begin with (Job 4)

2. God reserves the “good” for those more deserving (Job 8)

3. Grieving is “too much” or the “wrong way” to handle the sadness (Job 11)

It’s really not comforting amidst grief to hear a lecture about how “you brought this upon yourself” or that “it wasn’t a good thing worth grieving to begin with.” This is what Job’s friend, Eliphaz, does in response (chapter 4) to Job’s distress. Eliphaz tries to make sense of the terrible events leading to Job’s suffering and grief by assuming it was a byproduct of Job (or his family) not being “right” in conduct. There are times when unhealthy actions need to be accounted for, but this is not the case. Eliphaz conveys that Job must have done something wrong to bring about grief. This is an unhealthy judgment about Job’s personhood, not seeing the pain of the person. We need to be healthy supporters for those grieving around us by not narrating what is “right or wrong” outside of the grief.

The second false narrative is displayed by Job’s friend Bildad (chapter 8). Here the message he holds for Job is, “don’t be so surprised when the wicked get punished – God will hold good for you if you are deserving.” This type of response attaches shame to one’s grief: “If I’m sad, then it must be my fault.” Grief itself is not a bad thing; it is the ability to rightly acknowledge the felt pain of a deep loss. Everyone will experience grief in this life and it never reflects the merit or personhood of the griever. Let us be careful to not urge someone along into “the next good thing” just because we might be uncomfortable with the level of grief they display.

The third false narrative is highlighted (chapter 11) by Zophar –  who tells Job that he has no business grieving and feeling pain and anger against God. This is often a problem in faith communities as we fear it disrupts the order or power of God’s deity. We may not like it when another’s grief is geared toward God and it holds anger. This might be the “wrong way” to grieve. In this story, Job was being very honest about what he was feeling and that he needed answers. Zophar seemingly didn’t have a good answer, so he condemned the grief because it didn’t fit neatly into the construct he held for Job’s grief. We can show up well for others in their grief when we allow them “to be” in their emotions  – not condemning them for what they feel.

Despite all of their inappropriate responses, there was one thing that Job’s friends did well – and it was before they spoke a single word to him (Job 2:12-13). Here, they saw his distress, they joined in matched weeping and sorrow, and that sat in silence with their friend.

Like them, the most comforting thing we can do is simply to show up and be present with the pain of one’s grief. We don’t need to offer a solution or answer. This isn’t the time for a lesson in morality. This is a time to reiterate the personhood of the griever by caring deeply in how safe and soothed they feel in being vulnerable. If we can be safe in silence, then we can be trusted in conversation.

As Curt Thompson says, “All people are looking to be seen, soothed, safe, and secure in their interactions with others.” Let us be a healthy support system for those around us who grieve the deep pains this world holds – as we too will be in need of such support in our lifetime.