The Blind Spot in Couple’s Counseling

I find that couples in my office actually want to be in counseling. They are not fighting therapy or fighting coming together in the same space and time. Instead they are hurting because they don’t know how to be together when showing up with different thoughts and feelings.

Often, I reassure my clients that it is not only a good sign that they are willing to be in my office, but it is a hopeful sign because it shows a level of commitment to improving the relational dynamics. Both partners are aware of something unhealthy, and are wanting to see change for the better. My work is not that of a magician, nor is it about me revealing a secretive social skill. Most of the time, it is simply readjusting the couple’s focus on a relational principle they already value– and that is being valued.

As I learned from my mentor, “hurt people hurt people.” It’s impossible to not be impacted by others – especially when the matter is hurtful, because emotional defenses are then automatically activated in a person. So it is helpful to be self-aware of one’s emotions, what caused those, and the responses that come next. It is tempting to get into an escalated argument because anger is a protective emotion. That said, one’s emotions can still be known without being wielded like an ax.

There are two common dynamics I see in partner conflict: demanding and withdrawing. Regardless of the issue, the conflict most often occurs in how each partner responds to the issue. It has nothing to do with one spouse enjoying pain in the other, but how each feels unheard and unvalued.

1. Demanding – The demanding partner is one who finds the silence to be deafening and thus feels cast out from the relationship. So the bids of re-connecting come in the form of demanding information, action, attention (so as to soothe anxieties from the disrupted relationship).

2. Withdrawing – The withdrawing partner responds to the fears that “things will get worse if agitated.” He or she will withdraw or not respond to the demanding bids, in the belief that he or she is resolving conflict by not escalating the conflict.

Both of these are problematic. I bet you can see the pattern already. If one partner is willing to always pull away whenever the other partner pursues, then this ultimately becomes an emotional (and exhausting) game of hide-and-go-seek. This back and forth never offers real connection.

Instead the couple needs to slow down and assess where the “blind spot” is in their conflict cycle of hurt. The presenting symptom of conflict stress will make it tempting to quickly take a defensive posture. However, if one can recognize that feeling in the moment, one can have more understanding as to why the demanding or withdrawing posture is being taken. This gives the opportunity for both spouses to share how it is difficult to draw closer when feeling defensive and afraid.

Fear really is a common baseline for the hurtful arguments in relationships. Conflict is normal. Being hurtful is unhealthy – for self and the partner. It’s scary to think that one will not be heard or valued in the relationship, so the defensive efforts are a bid to protect one’s sense of value.

You and your partner should give each other permission to have conflict and feelings – but not to be hurtful when entering the shared space of conversation. If value can be offered to one another – even in conflict – then the blind spot is more easily removed and reparative work in the relationship can begin.